Learning to Embrace the Unknown

I am living in fear.  I am afraid of the challenges ahead of me – afraid of failure. I will be out of work in less than three months.  I know I am lucky to have known my job would end ahead of time – I’ve known for eight months that it would be over at the end of the year.  But somehow, that has not made it any easier.  I have been doing what I do for 18 years.  True, I have done many other things in concert with this job over that time.  However, I have been working in my current full-time position solely for the past seven years or so.  This is what I know how to do. This is how I pay the bills and help pay for my mother’s meal plan, help my starving musician sons in LA get home for Christmas, be financially prepared when my oldest son gets married.  This job helps me do what I love to do – help others, both through work and outside of work. I am not sure who I will be if I am not in the position I am in now.  I am not sure I will able to be the wife, daughter, mother, sister or friend I have been.  I feel tired and wonder where the courage and energy will come from to assist me in new endeavors.  I hope there is something out there and I fear there may not be.

The majority of people in the world worry about feeding and sheltering themselves and their families. While I may not have always had an abundance, I have been blessed to always have enough -- food, clothing and shelter – even when I was a kid and my family hit bottom.  I’ve been there from a kid’s perspective and while some things did change forever, some things remained the same.  I know I will survive.  I have family and friends who love me.  That much probably won’t change unless I really srcrew up.  I know in the end it will be alright.  Yet, I am still afraid.  Over the past few weeks I have been spending more and more time trying to figure out how to embrace the unknown, the possibilities of the future.  I am trying to ready myself – body and mind. 

I have decided to give myself small achievable challenges to stoke my confidence.  

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  On the body side:
• My colleague Miguel and I joined Weightwatchers last week.  I have been there before and before that and before that.  I made it to lifetime member and hung on for four years but crap happened and I gained 10lbs with each episode over the past four years.  So now, I have 30 lbs to lose.  My goal is to lose at least two lbs. this week.  Weigh in is on Friday.
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  On the mind side:   
• Finally coming to terms with the job loss I have been working with a resume writer the past couple of weeks. The first time we met I had an anxiety attack and started getting severe chest pains.  The second meeting went much better.
• I joined a monthly writers’ workshop at our local art association
• I joined a bi-weekly art class that begins this Wednesday.
• I am listening to Cameron’s The Artist Way on CD.
• I take comfort in my relationships with my husband, my colleagues at work and my dear goddesses by the sea.
• I started this blog!

I know I must keep moving forward.  Baby steps have usally shown me the way to a full run.  I can do this!